UIGAC ®

To err is human. We all know that. So is: to sin is more human. Few centuries back there flourished a certain theological institution which permitted any sinner to make confession in a recognized place of worship, draw a cheque for the prescribed sum i.e., not less than the tariff fixed commensurate to the gravity of the offence and carefully put in the drop-box kept aside for the purpose and get absolved through His representative. This system had its virtues. One could murder neighbor or adversary or anyone for that matter – not just one, more if need be – and get His complete absolution on no questions asked basis, get a clean chit from High (note capital h) command, keep head high and live in society, sleep like a baby in the night with ones soul at complete peace with itself.

Extinction of such a wonderful system, or absence of its equivalent, is more acutely felt in today’s society than at any other point in human history. People can manage clean chits from party high command, have the cases withdrawn by CBI in Supreme Court, and ensure that judge uncles rule (for more details read Supreme Court’s remarks on Allahabad High Court made on 26th Oct 2010) in their favor with little or no punishment, get Rathore style smirk back on face, and get respect (!) back from society as though nothing happened but not the baby-like-sleep since the silly thing called conscience still pricks. Offerings like diamond studded golden crown weighing a ton to Lord Balaji coupled with daily dose of sedative pills before going to bed provide no real solace but they do make an avoidable hole in the pocket.

In the aforesaid context, it makes immense business sense to start a Universal Institution to Grant Absolution Certificates and Tarantula is intending to open shortly. All the sinners are encouraged to send their non-refundable remittances directly to the Swiss account of UIGAC® by obtaining the tariffs and bank code for remittances and obtain soft copy of the certificate through 1024-byte state-of-the-art encryption system. All Pakistan printed counterfeit certificates are invalid in His land. Short payments made by incomplete confession are invalid. For example, once a Raja or Raju makes full confessional payment, his kith and kin can enjoy the loot as though it is earned properly in His eyes. Our Certificates are designed for lamination at sinner’s end and can be conveniently kept below the pillow at the time of sleeping. Stolen or Xerox or multiple copies of certificates are invalid. You may note that UIGAC has no braches or representatives in any part of this Universe. Taxes as applicable and other T&C apply.

Those unfortunate few who are yet to sin may send their c.v. for few vacant positions on the board of UIGAC.